Erotic comes from eros. The name of the city – Philadelphia – means brotherly love comes from phileos. And agape refers to a love that goes well beyond eros and phileos.

Eros love is a sensual kind of love and it asks the question, WHAT CAN I GET OUT OF THIS?
Phileos is relational love and it asks the question, WHAT CAN WE GET OUT OF THIS?
Agape is unconditional, deeper love and it asks the question, WHAT CAN YOU GET OUT OF THIS?

Another way to think of these is,
EROS LOVES WHEN …
PHILEOS LOVES BECAUSE …
AGAPE LOVES IN SPITE OF …

For love to last for a lifetime in a marriage relationship, agape love is a better way of loving (1 Cor 13).

For example, these parasites come in many different forms such as addictive behaviors like alcoholism, sexual addictions, workaholism or addictions to gambling or drugs. We need to do whatever it takes to say no to unhealthy parasites like these examples. Men may need close friends that they can turn to for help. Women need each other. As a church, we encourage everyone to find a neighborhood small group for frienship, spiritual connection and also accountability with each other – especially men with men and women with women. We need to create safe places where people can be real about whatever is going on in their lives. That may happen in a small group or in one-to-one relationships. Temptation seems to take root when we isolate. If we feel alone it’s harder to say no to the unhealthy things and yes to the healthy things (Galatians 6:1-4).

Cleaving and weaving (or building intimacy) happen over a lifetime. The Bible says that when a man and a woman join together in marriage, they become one flesh. That means that there is actually a spiritual, emotional and relational bond between them. There are barriers that keep us from living out that oneness:

Eradicating the Barriers to Cleaving

~ Accept our natural differences.

Genesis 1 [27] So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

~ Be aware of our natural weaknesses.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor 12:9-10

We all have weaknesses. And these weaknesses can become magnified in marriage. If we’re not aware of them, we can’t work on them. As we become aware of our own weaknesses and as we draw closer to God, we become aware that His power and strength is sufficient to help us face anything.

~ Anticipate how selfish we can be at times.

Isaiah 53 [6] All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.

Philippians 2 [3] Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. [4] Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

~ Recognize the real enemy of our marriages.

Ephesians 6 [10] A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [11] Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. [12] For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Many of us are good at giving love but what about receiving love? Are we really taking the time to slow down to not be physically present but emotionally present with our spouses each day? No matter how busy life gets with work, kids and other stuff finding that time to just be with our spouses is one way to grow in our love for each other.

For example, too many couples grow old together but find that they are actually growing apart. The wife desperately wants a connection with her husband. But, the husband is emotionally absent and often retreats from deeper conversation or connection. He can do things for her or give things to her but receiving love is just too hard.

When we violate the life principle of inflow/outflow, the connection between two people just seems to get stale. God gives us the hope that as we spend time with Him and allow Him to love us, we discover that the love we’re experiencing from God automatically flows out from us to our spouses. It’s a basic life principle – inflow/outflow.

There’s something there in that statement. I think many marriages are struggling because either the husband or wife – or both of them – haven’t experienced God’s love in their own lives. You can’t give our what you don’t have. The starting place is surrendering our lives to God and asking him to give us the ability to love our spouses with the love God has given us.

6. Receive and give biblical correction (Heb 3:13; Prov 10:17).

It’s easy to dish it out but what about when someone points out something in us that needs to be changed? Do we get defensive? So we lash out? Do we run? Do we stuff how we feel and pretend to listen? Or, can we step back and process what’s being said and own what we may need to be changed?

This doesn’t mean that you let people tread all over you. It means you should stop and listen if someone comes to you in a spirit of love to share something that may need changing in your life.

5. Put the success of others above my own (Phil 2:2-3; John 15:12-13).

Jesus said that he came to serve. This was his own heart attitude that really paved the way for how he connected with others, did ministry, led people and eventually sacrificed his life for us.

Imagine what would happen if we truly lived this out with each other – every day?

4. Assume the best of others until proven otherwise (Phil 4:8; I Cor 13:5-7).

We’ve all involved done what I call third party maneuvering. That’s where we bend the ear of someone who has nothing to do with the conflict that we’re facing. We look for affirmation from a third party that we’re right and the other person is wrong. We put them down in all kinds of ways. Then, what happens? The person not involved in the conflict suddenly finds themselves in the middle of it. They even develop a poor opinion of the other person based on what they’re hearing. Many times it may not even be true.

The healthy to do when someone comes to us to put another person down or complain about them is to discern whether or not he or she has genuinely tried to work this out with those who are directly involved. Maybe a comment back to the person life – “This doesn’t sound like him … have you tried to talk with him and share your feelings?” Give people the benefit of the doubt and encourage the two parties to clear things up between in a spirit of openness, love and forgiveness.

If the two parties involved have tried this and it hasn’t worked, only then would a mediator or someone else get involved in helping to bring about reconciliation.

God’s heart is that we stop the gossip and seek reconciliation. There’s something about the inner peace that we experience when we listen, forgive and reconcile – whenever possible.

3. Clear up relationships with others (Matt 5:23-24).

In Colossians 3:12-14, the Apostle Paul says, Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Paul says “clothe yourselves”, “bear with each other”, “forgive …” and “put on love.” These are all commands. God wants us to clear up relationships – to deal with anything that may hinder our relationship with each other.

Why does God give us commands? He has to since the things that he’s asking us to do are not natural for us. With his help and by relying on his strength working in our lives, we can clothe, bear, forgive and put on.

2. Live a godly and honest life before others (Eph 4:25).

Heart Attitude #2 encourages us to align our lives with God and his ways as we interact with each other. When conflicts come, we need to balance being honest and real with also being compassionate and caring too. It’s hard to find that balance – especially when people hurt each other. But, running, isolating and being conflict averse doesn’t help resolve anything. Dealing with with conflict like that often leads to anger and bitterness which – if left unchecked – can negatively impact our lives.