I think I’ve been blessed to have a job working with kids where I kind of have to be real on a daily basis. But it can be harder with coworkers and others. In general, though, I feel like I’m pretty real, and that’s come with a lot of hard experiences. I was in a church for a long time in which I felt I had to hide my true self. That almost stiffled my soul, and I had to fight hard to get it back. God then brought friends into my life who appreciated my unique characteristics and commented on them. That helped me to see more of who I am and appreciate how God made me. What a gift! They even appreciated the silly parts of my personality that others might scorn. And they didn’t run screaming from the room if I shared a major struggle or horrible thing from my life.

I have a bit of an advantge of working with young kids, so I can be pretty silly and real in my day-to-day work life. I still can be hard on myself in other ways, though, and compare myself to others at work. In general,though, I consider myself a pretty real person, but I think a lot of that has come by experience. I was in a church for many many years in which I felt I could not be myself, and it just about killed my soul. But after years of stiffling myself, something had to give. And at that time, God brought into my life friends who began to notice and appreciate my unique characteristics. They pointed them out and built me up. that was very freeing. It was awesome to have people in my life who appreciated even the craziest things about my personality, and who didn’t run out of the room screaming when I shared something I was struggling with. IT made me much more aware of who I was and I began to appreciate it. Not to say I don’t struggle with all the comparisons and trying to look good, etc. That can be a daily struggle.

Something I think about at times. When I’m focusing on how I look, then I’m not focusing on God or other people, and I”m missing the whole point. When I put my focus in the right place, then how I feel about myself seems to fall more into place.

Our struggle seems to continually be: What is the criteria for “good” and how am I measuring up to standard. And to the other people around me? It’s like until I’m convinced in my own mind that I’m a noble and interesting person who is doing “well,” I won’t be at peace with myself in relationships. And my personal standard tends to revolve around things like joy, peace, mindfulness of God, care for others, self-discipline, insight, etc. But naturally, when I find myself lacking in one or several of these areas (as I nearly always do) I feel insecure about myself and afraid of being exposed and perceived as “less” by others.

But maybe the goal isn’t to have everything in line so we feel proud of ourselves and confident around others, but instead to be honest about who we are and who we aren’t. And also about what we wish we were and what we wish we weren’t. And about how God relates to us in light of all of that, and how we are invited to relate to Him. I think if we are willing to take risks towards this, we’ll receive doses of empathy and perspective that will make us more at home with ourselves, God, and others. I heard Henry Cloud say the other day that it’s impossible to become healthy apart from relationships like these. That’s what I long for. But like Mary said, I’m often my own obstacle to it. Maybe we should start a connection blog! Haha.

It’s good to know I’m not alone in this. Let’s keep conversations like this flowin.

You are definitely not alone. It’s easy to get caught up with keeping up appearances and obsessing over how our performance in various areas measures up to everyone else’s. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon who changes depending on my environment, so much so that without a “context” (school, work, church) I don’t know who I am. I’ve always longed for the self-assuredness to be consistent no matter where I am/whom I’m around. I realize that the condemning voice in my head that I project onto others (assuming they would judge me just as harshly as I judge myself) only serves to separate me from others and prevent me from developing the intimate relationships I so long for.

Thanks,
Mary

Could you explain what you mean by border markers? I’m not sure what those are.

Thanks!
Mary

Thank you for being real!